CHEERS to primary fevuh! Here we go again, kids. After a week off to recover from our Memorial Day weekend-related hangovers, a tiny sliver of attention-paying voters will choose the candidates they want to see voted on by a slightly larger tiny sliver of voters in November. The Democratic races are harder to pin down, but I believe the Republican ones are pretty obvious. I’m making my GOP winners predictions here and sealing them in a mayonnaise jar, to be opened after the five minutes needed to count all the ballots (and verified their bamboo fiber content) have elapsed:
California: The white male gun fetishist who wants to ban Hollywood and personally inspect every child’s genitals in private.
Iowa: The white male gun fetishist who wants to make ethanol America‘s official beverage.
Mississippi: The white male gun fetishist who wants to change America‘s official motto from “e pluribus unum” to “All Y’alls Just Shut Up Now And Do As I Say Cuz I Speak For Jesus.”
I think this polling-place sign gives an unfair advantage to all the candidates named Flag.
Montana: The while male gun fetishist who passionately wants to become a sitting member of the United States government so he can introduce legislation calling for Montana‘s secession from the United States government.
New Jersey: The white male gun fetishist who believes gay marriage should be banned and the legal age for heterosexual straight marriage should be lowered to “conception.”
New Mexico: The white male gun fetishist whose top priority is allowing celebratory gunfire at the Albuquerque Balloon Festival, as long as the barrels of their firearms are safely pointed upward.
South Dakota: The white male gun fetishist who used to want to add Donald Trump to Mount Rushmorebut now wants it to be Ron DeSantis, thus explaining why Trump pulled his “total, beautiful, and unwavering” endorsement and DeSantis gave him his “total, beautiful, and unwavering” endorsement.
The Daily Kos Elections Team will liveblog the results as they roll in tonight, and post a full recap tomorrow morning. Meanwhile I’ll be liveblogging Captain Kirk’s trial during tonight’s Star Trek rerun. I know, I know… the information overload these days is getting crazy.
CHEERS to previews of coming attractions. The House Jan. 6 Select Committee says they’re pretty much done collecting and sifting through the damning evidence of Trump’s conspiracy to overthrow the United States government in a multi-pronged attack that included a physical assault on the Capitol. Now it’s time to tell the story to the public, and Thursday night is when the curtain goes up on live TV. The Guardian has a good summary on what’s in store:
The panel intends to use the hearings as its principal method of revealing potential crimes by Trump as he sought to overturn the 2020 election results, the sources said, in what could be a treacherous legal and political moment for the former president. […]
To add some razzle-dazzle to the hearings, Liz Cheney will be reenacting this moment from the insurrection.
In order to tell that story, the sources said, the select committee intends to have its senior investigative counsels reveal previously secret White House records, photos and videos that will be presented, in real time, to starkly illustrate the live witness testimony.
The select committee hopes that by revealing new evidence in hearings, the sources said, it can convince beyond a reasonable doubt the American public and potentially the justice department that the former president violated laws to reverse his 2020 election defeat.
We’ll be watching with two bags at our side. One out of which to eat popcorn, and the other in which to throw up.
JEERSto eye-rolling moments in history. 92 years ago this week, in 1930,The New York Timestook a huge step forward in the civil rights movement. I do believe audible gasps were heard acrossManhattanwhen the editors agreed to start capitalizing the ‘N’ in “Negro.” So to refresh our collective memory:
negro= old, unacceptable usage.
Negro= new, acceptable usage.
And we all lived happily ever after.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to today’s edition of Comforting Words I’m Starting To Suspect Were Not Sincere. We stumbled on this via The Week over the weekend. We now take you in the C&J wayback machine to June, 2015…
As the western alliance NATO ups its military presence in eastern Europe, Russian President Vladimir Putin told an Italian newspaper that his nation does not pose a threat to the West, BBC reports.
“Only an insane person, and only in a dream, can imagine that Russia would suddenly attack NATO,” Putin said.
NATO claims Russia is backing rebels in Ukraine, and three Baltic nations are expected to ask for permanent NATO military presences to deter Russia.
This has been today’s edition of Comforting Words I’m Starting To Suspect Were Not Sincere.
CHEERSto changing the nameplate above the front door. On today’s date in 1775, “United States“was chosen to replace” United Colonies “as our country’s official name (beating out” Bubbaland “by one vote). But the colonies themselves were far from forgotten — the 13 stripes representing them on our flag take up the vast majority of space, with the states relegated to a modest blue box. By the way, if you need some parchment at bargain basement prices, there’s still ten thousand boxes of “United Colonies” stationery in the Independence Hall supply closet. Thanks for the advance notice, management. 🙁
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Fifteen years ago in C&J: June 7, 2007
JEERS to hanging up the blue eyes. Agh, this is not acceptable: Paul Newman says he’s retiring and he’s only 82! His lame-ass excuse: “You start to lose your memory, you start to lose your confidence, you start to lose your invention.” Okay, but … maybe you could still do some voice overwork? On, say, South Park?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to death by laughter-induced asphyxiation. When I feel it’s time for my soul to depart this cosmic poop factory hurtling through space, I shall click on this button and let JG do the rest …
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Please: do not resuscitate.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor’s open … What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
” I am a devotee of Cheers and Jeers as much as anyone but there’s only so much bug-eyed gibberish we can tolerate here.“
