Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 1, 2022
Note: I have this fear that when we die and go to Heaven we’ll find out that God really underestimated how many of us there’d be and made the place the size of Rhode Island with only one bathroom. Smooth move, pal.
By the Numbers:
Days’ til the primaries in CA, IA, MS, SD, MT, NJ, and NM: 6
Days’ til the Great Wisconsin Cheese Festival in Little Chute: 2
Minimum number of American children who have been in school during a shooting since the 1999 mass shooting at Columbine, according to Washington Post: 300,000
Percent of Americans who own the 400,000,000+ guns currently circulating in America today: 42%
Amount of gas consumed by idling for 15 minutes, which everyone seems to do these days so they can get all their texting done before they can either leave their vehicle or drive off in it: On gallon
Number of leaders I’ve heard tell us to stop idling so long and / or drive less to conserve gas: 0
Average price at the moment for an authentic Maine lobster roll in Maine: $ 30
Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 3 Tribulation Temples and 1 snappy answer to a stupid question). Soul Protection Factor16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Close enough…
CHEERS to June. Dad and the flag get their day, Juneteenth reminds us again how much work remains to achieve Black equality, LGBTQ pride breaks out around the world in a blizzard of rainbows (and parades after a two-year covid hiatus), and poor Tessie Hutchinson draws. the black spot out of the box again. (But as Old Man Warner so accurately points out every year: “Lottery in June, corn be heavy soon.”)
All eyes will be on the teevee as the House airs at least half a dozen public hearings shedding light (and hopefully some heat) on the Republicans’ attempted post-election coup. They’ll happen against a backdrop of midterm primaries that’ll remind us we’re all screwed if We The Myopic People continue our little pity party over the price of gas and Republicans + Joe Manchin continue their highly-successful “Give Our Republic A Swirlie Every Day ‘Til The Midterms” campaign as nothing but filibuster-proof judicial nominees make it through the Senate intact. (Sorry, America. When it comes to actual legislation, you may have to wait and hope Santa Claus delivers some this Christmas.) Oh, and the Supreme Court can not wait to formally kick Roe v. Wade to the curb this month with a sneer, a smirk, a “Praise Jeeeezus!” and lots of beer.
What else? It’s Candy Month, Adopt-A-Cat Month and, if we can squeeze it in, Accordion Awareness Month. Atlantic hurricane season rolls on through November. I have no idea what the current state of the movie theater industry is, but apparently it’s opening back up and here’s what Screen Rant says is on the slate for June. There’s a full “strawberry” moon on the 14th, so be prepared to amble into the back yard, think of Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins (thankfully Buzz Aldrin still walks among us), and give it a wink. Oh, and a special message from our Maine mosquitoes: “Come on up — we’d love to have ya for a drink sometime.”
JEERS to staring down a barrel of the bullshit. I do not even need to check the journalisms. I can tell you exactly what is happening now in the wake of the Buffalo and Uvalde massacres. Let’s see:
»Republican politicians are blaming everything (Doors? Really?) Except the weapons of war the shooters used to unleash the carnage.
»The police are in full damage control mode, launching sham investigations and lying their asses off to the public while getting all huffy and chest-thumpy whenever anyone dares question them.
»The Department of Justice is getting involved ooh ooh pinch me.
»The victims’ families are burying their loved ones, including all those kids.
»A group of US Senators wants you to pat each one of them on the head for holding a Zoom meeting to chew up time until the public gets over its outrage.
»Joe Biden will do all he can as president, which basically amounts to saying angry stuff and giving Congress the stink eye.
»Social media continues to not be helpful.
»18-year-olds continue buying weapons of war without a background check or permit, typing up their manifestos, heiling Hitler (and Alex Jones), and planning their plans.
And the rest of the civilized world continues to thank god that there are oceans and / or the Panama Canal separating us from them, while Canada continues pounding on the floor and yelling at us to quit all the shooting or they’re calling the landlord.
CHEERS to an idea that was ahead of its time. On June 1, 1869, Thomas Edison received a patent for his mechanical voting machine. He lost money, though, because no one wanted to use it. Democrats found it too easy to hack and Republicans found it too hard to hack.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to a memorable moment in mocking our glorious Amerikaner Vaterland. A reminder that some world leaders never bowed down and kissed our 45th president’s ass: five years ago this week, after Trump put his hands on that giant glowing orb in Saudi Beheadia, the prime ministers of Norway, Finland, Sweden, Denmarkand Iceland chose to do this:
Instant induction in the pantheon of grade-A trolling. Now someone find that soccer ball and put it in the Smithsonian.
CHEERS to today’s edition of Congratulations, Tim Ryan (D-OH) On Your Guaranteed Senate Win In November. Via Huffington Post:
Going beyond even the GOP’s own platform, [Ohio] Republican Senate candidate JD Vance told a Catholic magazine last year that pornography should be banned because it’s stopping Americans from getting married and starting families.
“I think the combination of porn, abortion have basically created a lonely, isolated generation that isn’t getting married, they’re not having families, and they’re actually not even totally sure how to interact with each other,” Vance said. in a newly unearthed interview with Crisis Magazine from August 2021.
This has been today’s edition of Congratulations, Tim Ryan (D-OH), On Your Guaranteed Senate Win In November.
Ten years ago in C&J: June 1, 2012
JEERS to talking the talk but bumbling the walk. Mitt Romney says he will “never apologize for America.” I guess that’s because he’s too busy apologizing for “Amercia.” “Mommy, why does that Robot Man hate ‘America?'” “He does not hate America, dear. He just can not spell it.”
And just one more…
CHEERS to happy reunions. Jacob Philadelphia is the kid who in 2009 asked President Obama if his hair was the same as his, resulting in one of the most iconic photos of his presidency. Thirteen years have passed since Jacob’s Oval Office visit, and # 44 called him last week to see what he’s been up to and what his post-graduation plans are.
It’s worth noting that we’ve never had a Jacob as president. Who knows? In 17 years we might be able to rectify that glaring omission.
Have a happy humpday. Floor’s open … What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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